Reciprocity

In Robert Cialdini's Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, he argues that reciprocity is one of 6 major factors that influences human behavior.  He says reciprocity is in our nature, and it feels awkward to receive a gift without giving anything back.  It's easier for a salesman to get an invitation into your home if he offers you a small gift.  You're more likely to donate to your alma mater if you feel it greatly contributed to your success.

I've thought about an extension to this idea that reciprocity is not just a side factor in relationships, but that relationships often build on top of reciprocity.  Let's walk through a hypothetical romantic relationship from beginning middle to end from a reciprocity framework.  I believe it applies to friendships and other relationships, but I think results are amplified in romantic relationships.

You try to get a stranger's number or try to buy her a drink.  In both cases, you could be violating social reciprocity.  In one case, you're asking for too much and in the other, you're giving too much. Relationships build off of gradual increase in reciprocity, so maybe first you strike up a conversation, then buy a drink, then get coffee, then get dinner, etc.  It's weird for someone to "try too hard."  And I think it's why there is a 'rule' for a guy to wait 3 days after getting a number to contact a girl, because you don't want to 'seem too desperate' and break the social rules of reciprocity.  

During the relationship, reciprocity is even more important.  If one person is giving too much relative to the other person, the relationship will quickly end.  There's a lot of factors that would sway the definition of "giving too much" such as perception of giving/receiving, resilience of each individual, opportunity cost, etc.  For example, maybe a guy is giving what he thinks is a large amount of his time, and the girl thinks he's not giving enough.  Maybe she's flirting with other guys, but he is in love and cannot end the relationship.  But my main point is that when things FEEL equal, everything seems right and when things FEEL unequal, the relationship becomes shaky.  When both parties think they're spending an appropriate amount of time together, the relationship is great.  When she wants him to meet her parents and he doesn't think that's a good idea, the relationship gets shaky.  Reciprocity.

In friendships, there are far fewer expectations and the amount of giving is usually low.  The results aren't as amplified, but even all the "20 things to do in your 20's" links all over the internet will tell you to cut off friends who are leeches, aka when the relationship is one-way.  Great friendships are ones where you give and receive the most: the ones where you share your deepest feelings or when you make a sacrifice in the other's time of need.  When a friend asks something big of you, its likely to be a turning point in the relationship, for much better or much worse.

Experiments

The other day at work, we talked about the value of experiments.  In the context of poker, if you play the same game, an adaptive player will always win in the long run.  And yes, the long run can be a very long time and perhaps the experiment isn't worth the initial cost, but many times the benefits are enormous.  For example, let's talk about my mom's cooking.  My mom is a great cook and I always love going back home to eat her cooking, but it's likely that she improved to a point and stopped experimenting because her cooking reached a level she is satisfied with.  But if every time she made the same dish, she tried 1-2 new things, the results would be extraordinary.

So the first barrier to running experiments is being narrow-minded to the possibility that a better alternative may exist or not wanting to improve on the current state.  Maybe you've never tried yoga, golf, Indian cuisine, meditation, Brazilian jujitsu, some experimental drug, sex with a (insert adjective here) girl, waking up early, the possibilities are endless.  What if you tried it, and it ends up being a game changer?  In fact, this is where I have trouble and I'm trying to be more open minded about new possibilities.

The second barrier to running successful experiments is the difficulty in determining results.  Say you have trouble sleeping, what can you do?  You might try to relieve stress through a hobby, exercising, removing distractions before bed, or maybe some sleeping aid drug.  But how many data points do you need to determine it's unsuccessful?  How do you determine adverse side affects?  In a game like poker, it might be easier to conduct experiments because of the controlled environment and limited number of decision points.  But in real life, there are so many uncontrolled variables that it can be extremely difficult to evaluate the experiment.  How many times do you try a food before you can determine you do not care for it?  Have you considered acquired tastes?  The costs of trying a new food or restaurant is so low.  But when you find that favorite dish or restaurant, it will continue to blow your mind forever.

Anyways, we're way too young to be stuck with our habits.  Try new things!  The downside is so small, yet the upside is nearly unlimited.

Framing

Framing is the way we look at things.  Having a baby.  It could be "magical," could be mistake, could be simply the further reproduction in the evolution of a species.

I'd like to point out that we frame almost everything in a way that our parents and society have taught us (which makes a lot of sense), BUT that makes us unaware.  I'll give a few examples.  The idea of a birthday wish already assumes we don't have everything we want.  So does the idea of a dream.  The fear of death is ingrained in us as something horrible, but it happens to everyone.  How can it be horrible?  Our society emphasizes the importance of the individual.  And in the grand scheme of things, our only affect on the world is likely to be our children.  Yet we believe that there is nothing more important than the self.  Society emphasizes having a great career.  But there are a lot of careers that manipulate the masses in order to achieve greater profits.  And again, the concept of the self is more important, so we want to make money at the expense of others.

I think about a certain frame a lot.  It's one where you can put a creature in an environment and watch it.  Like if you watched rats or puppies or monkeys in their natural habitats, what happens?  And now,
if you watched a video of yourself, what would you see?  I go to work 5 days a week, and probably spend of my non-work hours alone.  I eat well, exercise from time to time, and I'll see my friends maybe 2 nights a week.  Once a month, I visit my family.

Try this exercise with your own life and someone else's life.  What would life be like as a billionaire? What would life be like as a lunch lady? Or a sweatshop worker, or a prostitute, or a soldier, etc.  Think of how your day to day would change, and how your relationships with other people are different.  Imagine yourself as another person, then think about the community, the country, the human race, then how we fit in this universe.  And on every level, the frame is different.

On the universe level, we are all part of the same flow of events.  We are the product of some series of events that created the Earth, created life, and life has evolved to our current state.  And the universe will continue, we will die, our offspring will evolve and the flow of things continues.  Yet sometimes it seems like we work so hard to go against the flow of things.  Society gives us the impression that we should all want to be rich models with fancy things, but statistically, less than 1% of people can obtain all of these things. And if that's the case, then were we born likely to be depressed.  But from a different frame, aren't we incredibly unlikely to be born?  In which case, we should be born likely to be ecstatic.